The Energy Behind Asking for Permission
THE SOLO
When I was a little girl I was taught to always ask first and then do second. When my parents said yes, that meant I could go ride my bike. When my parents said no, that meant I didn’t get dessert. The yes’ always felt the best but I seemed to have met with more no’s. This pattern continued into elementary school. When the teacher said yes, I could go to the bathroom. When they said no it wasn’t snack time yet, I couldn’t eat. The idea of asking before doing is to keep us safe as children but what happens is we all continue this habitual pattern that was given to us into adulthood without even consciously knowing we are still doing it, yep you heard me. We are all grown up’s asking for permission to just be ourSelves. Every time we ask for permission for something we don’t need to, we are giving away our power and relying on someone else to make that decision for us. Now that’s crazy if you ask me. When I dove in and realized how much I was still asking for permission for as a 29-year-old woman I was dumbfounded. Now how do we figure out if we are caught in a permission circle?
The first step is to begin noticing when you are giving your feminine power away in this way. Ask yourSelf if you are asking for permission for things that you don’t have to. This could be in different aspects of your life; personal, home, work, etc. The thing about asking for permission as adults is that it looks a couple of different ways. The first way is exactly how you probably imagined, ‘Can I …’ ‘May I ….’, ‘Do you think it would be alright to …’. Generally, we ask in the way we were taught as kids so if you were from a polite family your wording may be different than a family that was a little rougher around the edges in their delivery. Start to notice your words and the meaning behind them. Now the second way that it may come out that you are asking for permission is when you ask for someone’s opinion then don’t do what you wanted to because of what they said. For example, if you had a die-hard craving for pizza then ask your mom if she wants some and she says no she wants something else then you change your mind too even though you still want pizza. This is called an indirect ask for permission. Where in your life do you indirectly ask for permission when you absolutely don’t have to?
Here’s the thing about this sneaky little pattern most of us picked up, asking for permission helps us feel safe because that was the purpose of this form of communication years ago when we were little. Odds are this act still helps you sub-consciously and maybe even consciously feel safe, secure and loved. The next step to breaking this pattern is learning how to trust yourSelf down to your core so that you no longer feel you need to ask for permission. How do you do this? You begin to make tiny daily promises to yourSelf and show up for them. This jump-starts a reset on your old thought patterns and begins to foster deeper trust within yourSelf. A lot of the times we are acting in a certain way because we were told to. Showing up for yourSelf in new ways each day will help you discover who you truly are; your likes, interests, how you operate without that external validation or permission. When we ask for permission our power is now in someone else’s hands because we are waiting for their answer for our outcome and that’s all sorts of messed up. You could also practice not asking for other’s opinions for a while and see how you feel. You could try it for a week and see for yourSelf how liberating it is to quite literally just ‘do you’.
Now, this isn’t like the tooth fairy where you just tuck this intention of not asking for permission under your pillow and wake up the next day and all is good. You’ve been operating like this for years so assume it will take some time to shift. Because this mindset shift does shake our foundation; meaning it may feel very safe to you to ask for permission, be gentle as you claim back your power. Set tiny attainable goals to show yourSelf you can choose differently rather than setting the bar super high and feeling disappointing yourSelf when you don’t complete all that you wanted to. And here’s the biggest permission of all, I give you FULL permission to write your own dam permission slips. Yep. I learned this big tool from Dr. Brene Brown and it has helped me a ton in my journey. Just like little Erin asking for dessert and being told no, some of us may not even be asking for permission because we are afraid to hear the answer no. For me, I had been so conditioned to be told no that I just stopped asking and somewhere along the line decided to conform to what others wanted from me. This is just as dangerous. When the fear creeps in when there is a big opportunity in front of you or you’re about to do something really scary give yourSelf permission to do the dam thing. Reach for a pen and a piece of paper and write your own permission slip. Sub-consciously you’ll receive what you were looking for and the best part is from inside you and not an external source.
Who cares what other people think, stand in your full power by giving yourSelf the full permission you’ve been seeking from others for way too long!
You are not alone. This conditioning creeps in extra strong in women because we’ve been having to ask for permission for a lot, for a long time. It is our responsibility in a world that likes to keep us playing small to choose differently. It doesn’t matter what our age is, our gender, or our sex we are all conditioned to ask and if we didn’t consciously decondition this at some point in our life, odds are we’re still doing it. It’s almost like we are all kids walking around in adult bodies … weird right. I was working with a client and when I asked her what she asked for permission for she confidently said nothing. She came back the following week and realized that she was asking for it in every layer of her life down to going to the bathroom at work as a 32-year woman. I am here to tell you that as a 32-year woman YOU DO NOT NEED TO ASK FOR PERMISSION TO GO PEE. The time is now to begin to give your inner child some love and let her know that she can do whatever she wants to. Apologize to the little girl in you who got told no so many times years ago. Show love to the part of you that is fearful to speak up, to take inspired action, or to build that life you’re obsessed with because of the fear of ‘NO’. You have the power, to stand in your full power, this is just the beginning!
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