Setting Healthy Holiday Boundaries with Family and Friends
SOLO
OOOOOOOOO baby, the holiday season is a wild one in my family and friends groups and setting boundaries ain’t always easy. This year is extra weird because Covid and everyone’s different comfort levels with the new visiting rules. So what do we doooo?? Asking for what you need and expressing freely around this time can get mucky and emotional and I want you to be able to feel ease and flow instead. These times bring more dinners, get-togethers, gift exchanges and by the end, I usually feel more exhausted than nourished from all the interaction. This is a no go. We get overwhelmed because of all the expectations that are put on us by everyone else, last year I didn’t even get to spend time with my partner and build our own traditions and I hated that. Where do we draw the line with the people we love? How do we share what we need without making them feel less than? And how do we begin to do all of this around the holidays when everything is moving a little quicker and the energy is more electric? No worries, we are going to dive into how to begin to set boundaries you feel good in without hurting those around you. Here we goooooo!
When I began to have those harder adult conversations with my family, I felt anxious and a pit would form in my tummy. I didn’t know how to tell my family no but continued to do things I didn’t enjoy which left me feeling crappy. I would feel frustrated at the events, I would have emotional break downs for one reason or another or drink till I couldn’t see to not have to actually be present with my family. At the time, I didn’t understand that was happening but I now know I was denying my emotional needs for the needs of those around me. This is step number one. Begin to explore what parts of the holidays are not fitting into your desired lifestyle anymore and why. A friend of mine just did this and realized it was her alcoholic dad that she couldn’t be around. Every time she was in a scenario where that arose she would feel crappy so she set a boundary this year with herSelf and informed her family, if her dad drinks, she will leave or not attend at all. This isn’t to make her family feel bad, it’s not a threat and it’s not to say she doesn’t want to be there but every time her dad drinks he’s nasty and it makes her feel crappy. She chose to support her own needs instead of those she thinks she needs to. For me when I explored I realized I didn’t like the gift-giving portion of the holidays. I would consistently be broke going into the new year trying to gift give for all of those that expected it. Half the time the things I purchased, they didn’t use and it didn’t support my higher vision for mySelf … so I stopped. I had the tough conversation and others actually didn’t want to participate anymore either and we began to shift to playing games or having fun together instead. Usually, we have that icky feeling when we are trying to support the expectations of someone else. So I ask, what expectations during the holiday season do not excite you and maybe tick you right off?
So, you’ve explored your holiday routine and nailed down what the actual trigger point is for you. Now it’s time to get curious about what it would look like to help you feel better; I’ll use my gift-giving example. I didn’t want to give gifts anymore but this didn’t mean I didn’t want to spend time with anyone. I needed to have a conversation to share my new discovery without family and friends thinking I didn’t want to be a part of the fun. We allllll know what a serious case of FOMO feels like, am I right? This is why it’s important to get clear on your why before having this conversation. This will avoid family and friends thinking you are seeking attention for shifting as well as giving them ways to understand. And you may be surprised when you share your why that you aren’t the only one thinking it. By you setting holiday boundaries this will also allow others to do the same. Boundaries are here to help you feel expansive so if you set a boundary and it just doesn’t feel right, you always have the choice to go back in and explore to set one that feels better. This is where communication is key. Clear and compassionate communication will help others soften with you. What happens when someone doesn’t agree? You are clear on YOUR why and support YOUR emotional well-being even when it’s hard for others. This will help you evolve communication with those around you. If this is new, it may take some practice so give yourSelf some grace. So you are still are having a hard time doing this …
We as human beings tend to be very self-involved. We believe that when we ask for what we need, we won’t get it because our inner dialogue says ‘well how could you actuallllly get that if you ask’. But we forget to give not only ourSelves but others credit. I know for mySelf I am always open to helping others and I’ve built a career out of it so why wouldn’t others want to help me? When we set boundaries with others we give them the opportunity to support us in the ways we need. We all want to help, don’t we? If you are newer to expressing this way, give your community time to adjust. Try a couple of different ways to begin to feel how you best express your needs. Humans want to help humans and a lot of the time we are doing what we think we ‘should’ be doing for others instead of what they actually need but the cycle continues when the other doesn’t ask. Wouldn’t it be all easier if we just asked? Exercising setting boundaries with friends and families especially around the holidays will reduce stress, alleviate any unrealistic expectations, create more freedom with your time, and really invite more joy throughout the season. Because this may be your first year trying this out and boy is it a weird one with Covid which adds a whole other layer of holiday comfortability, go easy on yourSelf and lean into some of the affirmations below …
Boundaries are here for me to feel good as myself
Healthy boundaries free me from the expectation of others
Asking for what I need is not selfish
Setting boundaries is a healthy form of self-expression
Boundaries are here to invite more energy + joy into my life
Are you as excited as I am for you to head into your holiday season and set boundaries to feel better? You don’t know until you try. I like to call them love lines. Setting a love line for yourSelf and those around you. Explore what pieces of your holiday season don’t feel right or trigger you, get clear on what you need to feel better in those times, and then give your humans credit to support you with it. The holiday season can be whatever you want it to be and look like for YOU. I have alllll the faith in the world that you are ready to do this for yourSelf, the time is now! I am sending you so much love + light as you choose yourSelf and your emotional well-being as we move into one of my favourite seasons of the year. You are worth it and I promise it will be worth it.
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